I started labour on Thursday but petered out I think mostly due to the fact that another woman who was using my midwife went at the same time and I didn’t have a provider. my doula came over and she was wonderful. On Friday night I went out for dinner with dh and had a glass of wine and had the last night I slept through the night (May 22/23 just FTR), I woke up grumpy but ever accepting of my still pregnant self. I had hired the same midwife, and the same doula, not the same house, but the same town.

I should say I had an *incredibly stressful* pregnancy. I had just moved overseas where I attempted to find a care provider and was running into brick walls everywhere. Coupled with the Great Recession our rental properties were not being run well by the people we had originally chosen, so I had that mess to clean up. My cousin lost her premature baby that December, my dh’s cousin found out her baby would not survive out of the womb and she was due the same time as me, a really good friend lost her baby who was due the same time I was, I was a total and complete wreck. I was terrified that it was my turn for something tragic to happen to me. on top of everything else. I was grieving for my cousin and my friend and all of this other junk besides. I went back to the US to give birth, but I was also on a clock. the whole thing was ridiculously stressful.

I was taking Female Caps in an effort to sorta nudge labour. I wasn’t willing to do anything beyond that, but I was okay with nudging. and nudge I did. so at 39 weeks and 5 days, Saturday night, I went into labour. finally. my mother was there to take care of the girls (one was on a sleep over with my doula) my doula came over around 1 and my midwife made it around 2. we filled up my fishy pool and I didn’t move the entire time.

It was really fast. I had only one request of my midwife and that was that she not move my cervix, even if I was 9.5cm and practically there. She did that with dd2 and it was the most painful thing in my memory.

Amanda came (again!), bless her heart.  she brought hypnobabies stuff, which I listened to, and it did help, but I hadn’t practiced at all (insert my crazy life here) so it wasn’t as effective as it could have/should have been. truthfully I don’t remember much. I just remember the incredible amount of *pain* that I was experiencing.

at 530 (I THINK!) I was ready to push and unlike my dd2, whose birth was slow and orgasmic,  I could feel him moving down the birth canal a lot with each push. it was the wildest feeling. it was also excruciating. I think I was hysterical, and I *hate* being hysterical. With dd2 (with whose birth is the only one to compare it with) it was slow (12 hours) and the pushing stage lasted two hours. I think ds was out in 4 pushes?  My husband came out of the bedroom with our second daughter who sat on the chair in utter fascination at what was going on. I did a lot of swearing, which I felt entitled to, things like OHMYFUCKINGGOD. and MOTHERFUCKER.  and SHITSHITSHITSHIT.  I am sorry to have traumatized my daughter in such a manner (actually she says she doesn’t remember, she was only 3)

my water broke just before I started pushing, or while I was pushing. I was on my hands and knees clutching the side of the pool and holding my doula’s hand as though it could reduce my pain. ds came out and I had to carefully lift my leg over the cord to make sure I didn’t tug on him and myself. he came out blue. his score was 2 or something. Though I was mostly out of it at this point, I didn’t have a bad feeling. he sounded fabulous during the contractions and I just felt like he was like WHAT? WHAT JUST HAPPENED? and my midwife described it as “stunned”. after a minute or so, he pinked up. but there is a video of me saying BREATH BABY BREATH.

Shortly after that I gave birth to the placenta without an issue. But in the back of my mind I was also thinking of my friend Ashleys retained placenta story (she had to get it scrapped out by her midwife or else she’d hemmorage and die)  and hoping to God that would not happen to me because I was like, DONE.

After he came out, I said to myself I AM NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN. NO REALLY. NEVER.  then my HORRIBLE EXCRUCIATING after pains started. they were so bad. I had the joy of experiencing after pains even with my first, and they got progressively worse. I knew ahead of time I should probably plan for them, and I had a prescription for Vicodin, but I COULD NOT FIND MY DRUGS ANYWHERE. all I had were OTC ibuprofen and Tylenol. I was so desperate that I was calling my friends whom I know had c/s to see if they had any left over drugs laying around their house. ds would cry and my uterus would contract and I would sob in the pain that over took my body. and there was no baby to look forward to. he would nurse and I would cry. I think I called my family doc, who also told me she couldn’t help me unless I came into the office tomorrow (!!), this was early Sunday morning. I couldn’t wait another day. so I basically suffered through it. and it sucked.

And just for the record, he was ironically my smallest baby, coming in at 8’9 with a 14 inch head.  He was also a bit early 39 weeks and 5 days (early for me!)

And guess what? I AM doing it AGAIN! Will keep you all posted….